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	B-School Success (Admitted to Wharton) Perhaps you remember helping me a few months back with my MBA application essays. I got accepted by Wharton today. I never told you, but my GMAT score is only 640, so my application essays had to be top-notch. Thanks to EssayEdge, they certainly were! More...

Common Flaws

Careless Errors

There is really no excuse for careless errors, and having even one on your application can affect the way you are perceived. You have more than enough time to proofread and have others look over your essay. If an error slips through, your readers may assume that you are careless, disorganized, or not serious enough about your application.

Remember that spell check does not catch all possible errors, and even grammar check is far from perfect. In addition to typographical errors such as repeated words, you have to read the essay carefully to catch mistakes in meaning that might come in the form of a grammatically correct sentence.

Let these humorous but unfortunate examples be a lesson to read your essay carefully for unintended meanings and meaningless sentences:

• It was like getting admitted to an Ivory League school.

• Berkeley has a reputation of breeding nationalists and communists.

• I'd like to attend a college where I can expose myself to many diverse people.

• I was totally free except for the rules.

• In a word, the experience taught me the importance of dedication, friendship, and goals.

• I have an extensive knowledge of the value of intelligence.

• I envy people with a lot of time in their hands.

Vague Generalities

The most egregious generalizations are the ones that have been used so many times that they have become clichés. For example, "I learned the value of hard work." That statement doesn't tell us anything insightful or interesting about the writer's character, because it has been said so many times as to become meaningless.

Generalities come in the same form as clichés, except with different content. They are always superficial and usually unoriginal but haven't quite reached the level of predictability that would make them qualify as clichés. Consider this before-and-after set to learn how to evaluate this factor in your writing:

Before: In the first project I managed, I learned many valuable lessons about the importance of teamwork.

After: In the first project I managed, I made an effort to incorporate all my colleagues as equal members of a team, soliciting their feedback and deferring to their expertise as needed.

Terms like "valuable lessons" and "teamwork" are vague and do not really convey anything meaningful about the applicant's experience. In contrast, the revised version explains the team dynamic in more detail, showing specifically how the applicant exercised teamwork principles. The passage should go on to include even more detail, perhaps by naming a particular colleague and discussing his interaction with that person.

Sounding contrived is a problem related to overly general writing. Applicants often have preconceived notions about what they should be discussing, and they try to force those points onto the experiences they relate. The best way to counteract this tendency is to start with your experiences and let the insights flow from there. Think about your most meaningful experiences and describe them honestly. Often you will find that you don't need to impose conclusions because the personal qualities you're trying to demonstrate will be inherent in the details. If you decide that clarification is necessary, the transition should still be natural.

Summarizing Your Resume

Perhaps the most common personal-statement blunder is to write an expository resume of your background and experience. This is not to say that the schools are not interested in your accomplishments. However, other portions of your application will provide this information, and the reader does not want to read your life story in narrative form. Strive for depth, not breadth. An effective personal statement will focus on one or two specific themes, incidents, or points. Trying to cram too much into your essay will end up in nothing meaningful being conveyed.

One common "mistake" in essays is to narrate one's resume, or life history, without any reflection or evaluation or self-criticism. - Yale School of Management

By narrating your resume, you not only lose an opportunity to bring your experiences to life for the reader, but you also ignore the task of self-evaluation, which is critical to business school admissions, as evidenced by comments quoted throughout this course.

Losing Sight of the Big Picture

In the last lesson we emphasized the importance of including details. But as always, quality is paramount: the details you choose should be relevant and insightful. Some applicants will describe their work in boring technical detail without the necessary reflection and analysis.

What I oftentimes see is that people use the essays to focus on lots of things that are extraneous to them, such as their individual work experience; what they do becomes more of a focus than who they are. I am really struggling to get to know the applicants as people and I frankly don't want to hear about the minutiae of their work. I want to hear why they chose to do what they do, why they chose to go to school where they did, what they value about those individual experiences and the impact of these experiences on their development as people. - The Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania

One of applicants' biggest mistakes is that they don't see the big picture; they only see the small picture so they get involved in minutiae. They get too focused on what they've been doing, detail by detail. They just regurgitate or reiterate what they've been doing without much thought as to where they see themselves going. - The Amos Tuck School (Dartmouth College)

Long-windedness

Sometimes the same writer who relies too heavily on generalizations will also provide too many irrelevant details - and in this case we're referring to the truly irrelevant, not just the boring technical points. That's why most essays submitted to EssayEdge are returned with significantly reduced word counts and, conversely, suggestions for additions. The problem is that writers often don't consider what is actually necessary to include, or they repeat points freely.

Example of Irrelevant Detail: "After a meeting with my adviser, I returned home to think over the matter more carefully. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that my global interests would best be served by a double major in international relations and business."

In this example, we learn nothing about the applicant from the mention of his meeting with an adviser. What's relevant are his interests and the decision he made based on them. The details about how he arrived at the decision are not illustrative of his character in any way and are therefore superfluous.

Example of Redundancy: "The experience taught me a great deal about 
hard work. I learned that hard work requires focus as well as pure effort."

The first sentence is unnecessary, because the second sentence makes the same point with more specificity.

In addition to superfluous content, you also have to watch out for wordy writing. Wordiness not only takes up valuable space, but it also can confuse the important ideas you're trying to convey. Short sentences are more forceful because they are direct and to the point.

Before: "My recognition of the fact that the project was finally over was a deeply satisfying moment that will forever linger in my memory."

After: "Completing the project at last gave me an enduring sense of fulfillment."

Certain phrases such as "the fact that" are usually unnecessary. Notice how the revised version focuses on active verbs rather than forms of "to be" and adverbs and adjectives.

Big Words

Using longer, fancier words does not make you sound more intelligent, since anyone can consult a thesaurus. Simpler language is almost always preferable, as it demonstrates your ability to think and express yourself clearly.

Before: "Although I did a plethora of activities in high school, my assiduous efforts enabled me to succeed."

After: "Although I juggled many activities in high school, I succeeded through persistent work."

Brainstorming

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