Poorly Done "Role Models and Influences" Essay

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If I imagine that I could have dinner with a historical figure or a character from fiction, I would probably choose William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in Stratford-upon-Avon in 1564 and grew up to become a great playwright. He died in 1616. He worked in London, where he knew other playwrights and actors and where his theater was. He never went to college, but in those days, most people didn't. Some say that Shakespeare couldn't have written his plays because he didn't go to college. If I had dinner with Shakespeare, I would ask him what he thinks about the claim that he didn't write his plays.

It would be hard to know just what to talk about with Shakespeare. Maybe he could help me with my paper on Macbeth. I'd like to know what he thinks of the interpretation of Macbeth that my English teacher keeps pushing. She says Macbeth killed all those people just to impress his wife. It seems a lot more likely to me that Macbeth killed all those people because he wanted to become king and then keep right on being king once he got started. If I had dinner with Shakespeare, I would ask him what he thought Macbeth was up to.

I'd also like to know if he has any advice for an aspiring actor. He was an actor himself. I would ask him what it was like for him to come to London from Stratford and break into the big time. I keep reading and hearing about all these actors who come from small towns just like I do and end up in New York as waiters or cab drivers. That's not exactly what I want to do with my college degree, but I guess there are worse things. But I like acting and think that I might like to give it a try. Maybe Shakespeare could tell me how he prepared for his first audition. I wonder if he even had an audition. Maybe he just showed up at the theater and said that he'd like to write plays and act in them, and that was it.

Those are some of the things I'd like to talk to Shakespeare about if I had the chance to have dinner with him.

Comments

This essay reads as if it were a first draft of random thoughts prompted by the question. There are many telltale signs: the mechanical opening sentence that merely restates the question; the opening sentence of Paragraph 2, which is belied by the next two paragraphs; the lifeless conclusion; the random structure of the essay. All of these signs communicate to the reader that the writer didn't take much time with the essay. A reader who gets that unflattering message will almost certainly not feel well disposed toward the writer who sent it.

It is too bad that that is the case, because the essay has some potential. Many of us have wished, for instance, that we could call upon a famous authority to back us up in an argument. The writer's disagreement with his English teacher, as well as his dinner date with Shakespeare, offer him a great opportunity to live out that wish. However, the reader wants to hear how the student would draw Shakespeare into conversation about Macbeth. Would he tell Shakespeare about his English teacher's interpretation and ask him what he thought? Would he present his own view instead? Would he argue with Shakespeare if Shakespeare disagreed with him? What would he say if Shakespeare shrugged his shoulders and told him, ''Gee, I don't know what the play means. I just wrote it to make a buck''? In short, there is a whole essay in this one question about Macbeth.

Yet the essay has further issues. Overall, it is made up of too many short, simple sentences that hamper the flow. In fact, three consecutive sentences in the introduction all begin in the same way, with "He." The writer should have employed some longer statements of varying complexity. The major problem with this essay is that the writer has forgotten its autobiographical purpose. He is the one who is applying to college, not Shakespeare. He is throwing away his chance to tell his readers something about himself. All the information in the first paragraph about who Shakespeare was and what he did for a living can be cut. Then all the suggestions in the rest of the essay about who the writer is and what he cares about need to be developed. Again, the reader wants to hear more, such as about his interest in acting. Has he performed in plays? Has he acted in one of Shakespeare's plays? (There is a full evening's conversation in that topic alone.) What does he like about acting? What special advice about acting would he hope to get from Shakespeare? What if he had to wait on tables for a while to keep body and soul together between roles? Does he have that kind of dedication?

Developing the essay's autobiographical elements would also lend it the coherence it now lacks. As it stands now, the writer simply jumps from one topic of conversation to another. If he were to focus on what interests him about a chance to speak to Shakespeare, he would give the essay the focus it needs.

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