Edited Essay

"This semester," bellowed the teacher as he addressed the room of high school seniors, "I will make you all chemists." The class let out a collective groan. The teacher continued unfazed. "You will all have to complete a real research project using the facilities of local universities." Like most of my classmates in the AP Chemistry course, I dreaded the huge amount of work that loomed before me. Little did I know that this work would help determine my future. In the months ahead, I committed more time to this one course than I ever had before, poring over chemistry textbooks and working in the laboratory into the early hours of the morning. I always had an inkling that my future lay in science and technology, and this experience proved it beyond question. The methodical laboratory preparations, the interweaving of theory and practice, and the tangible results of a successful experiment all appealed to my disciplined and inquisitive nature. By the end of my senior year, I had developed a solid foundation in the principles of chemistry, and just as my teacher had promised, I was on my way to becoming a chemist.

Despite my growing interest in chemistry, I still harbored dreams of becoming a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force at the time of my high school graduation. Even as I spent my evenings in the laboratory for AP Chemistry, I woke up early in the morning to run and do a routine of sit-ups and pushups. I was preparing for the rigorous physical and mental demands of the Air Force Academy. Over the course of previous summers, I had experienced the sweeping rush of glider school and had soloed in my first motorized aircraft. I hoped for the challenging life of an Air Force pilot and was on my way to making it a reality through sweaty self-discipline and intense mental focus. On one sunny afternoon, I saw a thick letter with a Colorado postmark in my mailbox. I was now a cadet at the Academy.

As with all military institutions, the first years at the Academy were intensely demanding. Strenuous endurance tests, high-level academic work, and hazing by upperclassmen made a junior cadet's life extremely trying. Nonetheless, I thrived during these years because I never lost my sense of focus or my love of chemistry. Even as I dreamed of being a fighter pilot, I found my chemistry courses to be highly engaging and challenging. All cadets were given a choice of academic tracks, and I had chosen science and engineering. As in high school, I worked in the laboratory late at night and ran early in the morning. Whenever I got fatigued, I just remembered how close I was to fulfilling my goal of becoming a pilot.

After a visit to the ophthalmologist one day, my dreams of airborne glory were abruptly shot down. My vision did not meet the Air Force standards required of pilots. It was a crushing blow, and at first I did not know what to do. Nonetheless, I knew that I was not without direction. Once again, my life pushed me towards studying chemistry. This was a subject that I knew I would enjoy, so I packed up my science textbooks, threw away my flight training manuals, and headed back to my hometown college, the University of Texas at Austin (UTA).

As much as I had loved chemistry before, my studies at UTA convinced me that I had found the right vocation. I was particularly inspired by Dr. John Rove. Like my high school chemistry teacher, Dr. Rove knew that the best way to instill an appreciation for the field was through active research and meaningful laboratory work. He believed that one should never learn from a book what one could learn from a beaker, flask, or Bunsen burner. As soon as I explained my experience and interest in the field to him, he offered me a position in his group doing research on the decomposition mechanisms of electro-optic dyes. The research I performed involved finding suitable organic dyes for electro-optic modulators. After months of grueling work and wise guidance from Dr. Rove, I was ready to present my research at regional and national meetings of the American Chemical Society. Networking with chemists from around the country allowed me to glimpse not only other possible fields of chemical research, but also the potential career options I might want to pursue. Had it not been for Dr. Rove's personal guidance and help, I doubt that my future career plans in chemistry would be as clear as they are today.

Because of my two-year commitment to the United States Air Force, I was unable to apply to graduate school directly after college. Instead, I spent two years serving as an intelligence officer. From this job, I have greatly improved my analytic ability, communication skills, pressure management techniques, and patience as a researcher. Like chemists, intelligence officers often have to construct coherent models of reality from incomplete pieces of data. This position has offered me insights and training that no classroom setting could match. Nonetheless, I am ready to return to my first love, chemistry.

Although my life has taken some unexpected turns in the last few years, the field of chemistry has been an unwavering companion and a source of intellectual interest. Whether it was discovering research in high school, learning advanced chemical theories at the Air Force Academy, or presenting my findings at meetings of the Chemical Society, the lure of studying physical structures has always guided my decisions. My advanced research in electro-optic modulators and my course work in classes such as Molecular Orbital Theory have given me the analytical ability, laboratory skills, and theoretical knowledge to excel in a rigorous doctoral program. During my Ph.D. studies, I intend to focus on inorganic and materials chemistry in order to design new materials for use in industry. By a stroke of fate, the weak vision that prevented me from becoming a fighter pilot allowed me to envision my future as a successful chemist.

Customer's Comments

"I felt my essay was already strong going into the submission. In fact, many told me that they did not feel I needed to have it reviewed by your editors. But, I have the philosophy that the better starting essay the better the final product. And, that is just what happened. Thank God that is my philosophy! Your work is priceless. You have a customer for life. I'm going to submit my resume now to you guys too!"

Critique

Click Here for the Edited Version.

Dear John,

Your essay was a pleasure to read. You did an excellent job of sharing your life story. I took the essence of your essay and revised its structure, grammar, and style, giving it an elegance and sophistication that will set you apart from other applicants.

Most of my work focused on restructuring specific sentences to improve the essay's overall flow and rhythm. I made changes to grammar, diction, and vocabulary, added statements to give your thoughts clarity and resonance, varied sentence length to hold the reader's interest, and revised awkward passages as necessary. Mostly, I tried to increase the impact of your words by adding more force and detail to the essay.

Here are my specific comments on each individual paragraph of your essay:

Paragraph 1

To grab the attention of the admissions committee, I seized upon one element of your original essay--your experience in AP Chemistry--and expanded it into an anecdote. Making your introduction as specific and personal as possible is often the best way to begin an essay. The new anecdote about your AP Chemistry course reveals both your experience and your dedication to chemistry.

Paragraph 2

"It was not too involved and was geared toward learning the basics."

One thing you should not do in this type of essay is downplay your accomplishments. Never admit that a class was easy or that you did not have to work hard to succeed. If a class is worth mentioning in an admissions essay, it should be one in which you worked hard and gained a lot of valuable information.

In this paragraph, I also put more emphasis on the description of how you were accepted into the Air Force Academy. This is a very impressive accomplishment and should be given greater prominence in your essay.

Paragraph 3

You showed strong instincts in mentioning your continued study of science at the Air Force Academy. It is wise to express the idea that your interest in science persisted throughout your life and that it was not simply a fickle choice when your first option (becoming a pilot) fell through.

Paragraph 4

The moment that you discovered that your eyesight would prevent you from flying was clearly a major turning point in your life. In the revised essay, I have included a new paragraph that explains how you dealt with this setback. Describing how you overcame this obstacle shows your character, and it provides a good dramatic moment that maintains the reader's interest.

Paragraph 5

"My first semester at UTA was a difficult semester during which I did not know what I wanted to do any more."

Instead of giving the impression that you took up chemistry as a last resort, I have tried to soften this message. In the revised essay, I suggest showing that your time at UTA simply made you more convinced that you wanted to dedicate your life to chemistry.

Paragraph 6

Again in this paragraph, I tried to play up a major accomplishment that you only casually mentioned in your original draft--your commission as an intelligence officer. Although this experience is not directly related to your intended degree, it does show a high level of responsibility and discipline.

Paragraph 7

I rewrote your final paragraph to remind the committee of your strengths and character. In addition, I added more dimension to the description of your career goals. Without specifically addressing your future plans (even if they are subject to change), you do not fully answer the question.

Overall, the revised essay is a clearer, smoother version of the original. I gave your essay the style and detail that will hold the reader's interest and make you stand out as a worthy applicant. Please bear in mind that as an editor, I have a bias to change things rather than to leave them the same. You should read the revised essay carefully and choose the changes that best suit you.

Good luck with your Chemistry Ph.D.

Sincerely,
Your EssayEdge Editor