Like many other boys, I love to swim. Since the age of five, I have spent many summer days in the YMCA pool. When I was 13 years old, I desired something more challenging than casual swimming, so I joined the high school development team for the Badger Swim Club.
On the first day, all the team members dived into the water as soon as the coach gave the order. I was the only one who jumped in. After a few laps, I was far behind all the others. Although I was trying to catch up, I was out of breath. To make things worse, the coach was constantly correcting my technique. From my stroke to my flip turn to my dive, nothing I did seemed right to him.
The entire first week, I was stuck with the coach to work on my diving. He kept repeating that I should dive with my head instead of my whole body. While my body and my mind told me, "Quit! Quit!" in my heart, I felt that quitting was not the right response. I wanted to become as good a swimmer as my teammates.
So I continued to practice. Many times I felt as though I had pushed myself to my limit and could not continue. My goal of becoming a good swimmer was what kept me repeating, "Practice! Practice! Practice!" Finally, I conquered the physical and mental challenge of the sport. After just a couple of months, I swam as well as the other team members. When facing a challenge, it is easy to quit. But in order to achieve something, persistence and commitment are essential. By being consistent in my efforts, I know success will be likely.
Since this is my senior year, I have a heavy workload consisting of taking classes, leading clubs, working, and volunteering. When I feel overwhelmed, I remember my struggles in the swimming pool. For example, last week I had an AP chemistry and a humanities AC test on the same day. As I was deciding which subject to approach, my phone rang. My boss asked me to update some information immediately for a conference coming up in the following week. I wanted to say, "No, I have too many things to do!" Then I asked myself why I took the job in the first place. I believe it is important to be responsible as an employee, so I decided to postpone my homework for a bit and finish updating the website. One hour later, I had reviewed all of the chapters of chemistry for the exam and taken a practice quiz. Because I was too sleepy to study, I went to bed. However, I cannot stand the thought of a bad grade, so I set my alarm clock to 5:00 a.m. and woke up to finish reviewing humanities.
Weaknesses, setbacks and failures are a part of life. However, due to my experience swimming, I now know how to overcome these imperfections, not be dictated by them.
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Dear Valued Customer,
You have done a great job answering each part of this question in a balanced way. I like that you broadened the swimming subject to include how you responded to the demands of balancing work and school and extracurricular activities. I would suggest adding maybe one more sentence to your concluding paragraph about how you would respond in the future.
Below, please find some grammar/phrasing mistakes. The others I have corrected directly on your essay.
Here you have a conflict of verb tense. "Felt" is past tense, while "need" is present tense. Each sentence should use the same verb tense.
Here and in several other spots in the essay (see edits) you are missing a "the" or "a" before your nouns. This was a similar problem you had in the previous essays and should be something that you are aware of in all of your writing. I find it to be very effective to read each sentence out loud — it will be obvious that you are missing a word.
Now I will discuss larger changes and additions you can make to improve your essay.
I think this is a great essay. Tom. I am impressed with how you discussed a lot in not very much space.
When editing your essay, I used the "Track Changes" option offered by Microsoft Word. If you would like to view all the changes I made, you can use the Track Changes feature. Once in Microsoft Word, Click "Tools," then "Track Changes," then "Highlight Changes," then check "Highlight Changes On Screen."
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