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Final Essay
“Open your mouth, let’s see!” I would exclaim to my family before pretending to examine them when I was a child. I have been interested in health care since I was quite young. I love meeting, conversing with, and examining patients, and then figuring out their needs and diagnosis. Moreover, creating a treatment plan for a particular patient and then caring for him or her fills me with satisfaction.
Being a caring and creative person who also loved to draw, I was consequently drawn to dentistry. Pursuing a profession with many facets meant a lot to me.
In order to achieve my goals, I studied dentistry at King Abdul-Aziz University in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia; I graduated in 2007 after earning my Bachelor of Dental Science degree. During my undergraduate college work and before starting my college’s clinical work, I volunteered my spare time as an observer in a dental office near my house. Through that experience, I learned many remarkable facts about the dental profession.
In one instance, I vividly recall a patient who was provided with a fixed prosthodontic bridge for his missing anterior teeth and how pleased he was after treatment. The patient appeared much younger after his missing anterior teeth were replaced. The patient’s comment following this procedure was, “Now I can smile and talk more without being ashamed of my appearance.”
After that experience, I realized that dentistry, prosthodontic dentistry in particular, is an art combining cosmetics, medicine, and architecture that has the capacity to improve both appearances and lives. I strongly feel that there is no greater pleasure in life than that of alleviating suffering. As a dentist, I will strive to alleviate my patients’ distress and give them back their smiles.
During my internship period at university, I have received substantial training in prosthetic dentistry and done laboratory work in some cases as well. In addition, I have worked with distinguished professors who are authorities in this field. I carried out a small research project on the efficacy of home bleaching systems, which was ultimately published in the Saudi Dental Journal. Moreover, I wrote many bibliographies on different prosthetic topics.
I am ideally prepared to enroll in your post-graduate program because I am an enormously hardworking person with high esteem who is devoted to her career.
Critique
Dear Valued Customer,
You have an excellent start on a very strong essay here, and I enjoyed reading and editing your piece. Below is a critique in which I will explain some of my changes and provide constructive suggestions regarding how you can continue improving the essay on your own.
To begin, I would like to compliment you on the individuality and clarity of the essay you have crafted. These are two of the strongest aspects of your piece; they reflect the time, thought, and effort you have obviously put into the essay already. I see many essays that are built around clichés and generalizations, and your essay is a refreshing collection of original thoughts, personal experiences, and a convincing explanation of your motivation to enroll in this program.
While thoroughly proofreading your essay, I noticed a few instances in which you made a mistake with a phrase or grammatical/writing issue. I would like to go through a couple of those with you now (P1 denotes paragraph one, P2 paragraph 2 and so on).
P1: “I have always been interested in health care since the time of my childhood.”
Here, your wording is a bit contradictory. Saying that you have “always” been interested in health care implies that there has never been a point at which you were not interested in that field. You then amend that statement by clarifying that your interest has existed “since the time of [your] childhood.” To clarify your meaning here, I eliminated “always” and smoothed out the remaining language. The reader will understand that your interest has existed since your childhood, and that it has led you to a career in this field.
P2: “I was consequently drawn into Dentistry…”
In this instance, it is not necessary to capitalize the word “dentistry.” Although it is the name of a specific profession, it is not a proper noun and thus does not need to be capitalized.
By correcting these issues and others like them, I have refined your prose and boosted the professionalism of your piece.
There are several ways in which I think you can make this essay even stronger. I would now like to provide some suggestions that will help you do just that.
- You’ve done a great job at starting your piece with a unique, detailed story about your past. The reader can easily imagine you as a small child, running to your family members and eagerly “examining” them as you imagined yourself to be a doctor or dentist. To make the introduction even stronger, you could add a bit more detail to that story. Try adding some description to the scene you set. Did you use any pretend tools? How did your family members react? What would you say upon completing an examination? Just a sentence or two with some more detail could take your introduction to the next level.
- Paragraph 2 is, in my opinion, the weakest of the essay as it currently stands. It just seems a bit out of place and doesn’t connect to the rest of your story as well as it could. In that paragraph, I believe you are trying to emphasize that you were drawn to dentistry because it allowed you to combine your interest in medicine/healthcare with your more creative tendencies (your love of drawing). Because you spend the first paragraph talking about your interest in health care, I would start the second paragraph off by saying something like, “My interest in medicine was not the only thing that led me to pursue dentistry.” You could then tell the reader about your creative side. Then, you could explain that because many aspects of dentistry require a creative or artistic approach, the field perfectly fits your own diverse interests. That would help make the paragraph a bit more substantial and improve its connection to the rest of the essay.
- In paragraph 4, you tell another vivid story about an event that cemented your desire to pursue this graduate program. I assume that event took place while you were an observer in the dental office (which you mention in the preceding paragraph). I’m not sure, though, so you may want to clarify that so that your reader completely understands when and where that experience occurred.
- In paragraph 6, I recommend that you elaborate on two aspects. Firstly, you mention that you completed some laboratory work. Could you briefly explain what your laboratory work involved so the reader can better understand what you gained through that experience? Secondly, I recommend that you add an introduction to the third sentence (which discusses your research project) that tells the reader a bit more about that project. Why did you decide to research home bleaching systems? What interested you in that topic? Adding this introduction will provide valuable clarifying information and improve the flow of the paragraph.
- Lastly, I recommend adding a sentence to your conclusion. To make the essay even more compelling, I would say something about what you aspire to do as a prosthodontist immediately following your current conclusion. This will help your essay end on a note that looks to the future, which will emphasize that you are committed to career progress.
When editing your essay, I used the “Track Changes” option offered by Microsoft Word. If you would like to view all the changes I made, you can use the Track Changes feature. Once in Microsoft Word, Click “Tools,” then “Track Changes,” then “Highlight Changes,” then check “Highlight Changes On Screen.”
If you are using the Microsoft XP version of Word, click “Tools” then “Track Changes.” A Track Changes drop down menu and icon will appear. Make sure the icon is selected (depressed), and then use the drop down menu to select one of the following versions to view:
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Final
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Original
Thank you for choosing EssayEdge. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about this revision. My e-mail address is provided and I will respond to questions within one day.
Best of luck with your application!
Sincerely,
XXXXX
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