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Edited Essay
Essay 1: Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Also discuss your career plans and why you want to obtain an MBA.
Early in my childhood, the Internet became more than just a luxury–it became a necessity. My father moved from Singapore to Indonesia to start a textile company when I was four years old, leaving me alone with my mother. To alleviate the pressures of separation, I developed the computer skills needed for electronic communication and was able to remain in close contact with my father. This experience solidified my interest in information technology and exposed me to the enormous potential of this developing field.
In the summer of 1992, I exploited my knowledge of IT to help those in my community. I volunteered at a local library, helping people with computer and Internet-related questions. Also at that time, my father’s business had launched many technological changes that led to the automation of its production line. These improvements had saved his company from bankruptcy. Visiting him and seeing how the new system had increased his profits heightened my interest in IT. I now live in Canada, where computers continue to play a large role in my daily affairs. I use electronic mail and Internet chats to communicate with both parents, and have chosen management information systems as my course of study. Information technology fascinates me not only because it makes companies more competitive, but also because it can bridge great distances to bring people together. I have much respect for and interest in the IT industry.
Personal satisfaction also plays a key role in my career decision. While monetary rewards are of practical importance, true job satisfaction springs from the opportunity to grow and learn within an industry. I enjoy acquiring new skills and information, which help me to adapt to the fast-changing world, as well as pique my interest in innovation. In addition, a career with open prospects would give me constant incentive to improve myself and to gain more knowledge. I currently volunteer for an on-campus organization, Job Web, in which I am responsible for posting employment opportunities on the World Wide Web, answering questions and preparing informative handouts. This position has broadened my computing abilities and has improved my interpersonal skills, which are crucial to any business endeavor. I enjoy the sense of productivity and usefulness I gain from the work, and feel it is a valuable experience for future employment.
Given the confluence of my personal and professional interests, my goal is to obtain a master’s degree and then to work in an IT-related industry, either with a consulting firm or as a systems analyst with a financial institution. In addition to this, I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology. When I have gathered enough experience and skills, I plan to launch a consulting company of my own.
Attending a Master’s of Science program will smooth the path to these goals. Such a program will deepen my expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option will help me to hone my skills in IT areas that I have not yet encountered. As I have attended the University of Toronto for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors whom I believe can help me become an IT professional.
Essay 2: Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business.
My classmates called me “the alien,” and they avoided me like the plague. As a young boy, I suffered from severe dermatitis, which filled my limbs with ulcers and scars. The true pain of my condition, however, was social; I was alienated from my classmates and lived a life of loneliness and isolation. Doctors predicted that I would never fully recover, but my parents refused to accept this. They encouraged me to hope for the future, teaching me that any obstacle could be overcome. I therefore took an active role in my health, trying many medications and herbs.
Approaching my loneliness with bravery, I came to view it as a challenge to be overcome. The summer after I graduated from primary school, my disease improved dramatically. Although my body remained riddled with scars, the ulcers vanished. The self-confidence I regained was profound; I realized that my personal will had led to this improvement. I began to seek out friendships at school, and I took part in activities like volleyball, Girl Guide, and Art Club. Through it all, my attitude toward challenges remained the same. In every examination or competition, I told myself that I could easily excel since nothing could be more difficult than what I had already overcome. By the time I moved to Canada, I had fully recovered both socially and physically. Moreover, I had learned to be confident and never to fear failure. This credo echoes through my personal life and gives me the inner resolve to succeed at any endeavor, including my professional pursuits.
Like my personal battle with dermatitis, I learned a great deal about leadership by overcoming adversity. While enrolled in an ESL program in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director. I managed a group of six individuals in organizing various functions. I was the most advanced ESL student among the group, and I therefore assumed myself to be the most capable. I quickly learned my mistake. While preparing our first function, I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own. I performed most of their tasks myself, allowing them to assist me only in minor details. As a result, the function was not very successful. Few people attended, and we had problems with decorations and presentation. The setback disheartened me, and I spoke of it to the club’s supervisor. She responded that she trusted my ability to succeed in the future. This comment filled me with surprise, for I realized that I had never trusted my own team members. Although they were weak in English, they had many valuable talents. I immediately changed my policy, allowing team members to choose the tasks they desired and to complete them on their own.
Meetings evolved into group brainstorming sessions, which yielded many good ideas. Most importantly, the atmosphere among us improved dramatically. We were happier and more eager to devote time to the program. I learned what true leadership is, and the experience undoubtedly improved my ability to handle challenging business situations.
Customer’s Comments
“You are absolutely the best! Your explanations were clear and extremely helpful. You manage to edit my essay without changing any important fact. The thing I was mostly impressed is how you organized my essays, the weakest point in the original and how you edit the structure of my sentences, the issue I always struggle with since I am not a native speaker. Your service was worth every penny and I would definitely recommended EssayEdge to my friends currently applying for B-schools. Additionally, it was on time … very impressive! It took me days to write the originals and you were able to polish them in the way I probably would never be able to. Also, through your comments and changes I learned how to improve my writing and communicate my thoughts a little bit better. You almost made a frustrating application process fun. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!”
Critique
Dear John,
This is a strong pair of essays that puts a very human face on your application. You come across as an engaging and likeable IT professional, and the details you provide about your personal life are both interesting and informative.
However, there were ways in which these essays could be improved.
The major problem I noticed with these essays was the length of your paragraphs. It is necessary to break your discussions into easily digestible segments so that the reader is not overwhelmed by the breadth of your observations. I have substantially reworked the structure of these essays to make them more accessible to the reader.
Throughout each essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems. My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact.
Here are my specific notes on each original paragraph of the text:
Essay One
Paragraph 1
The first few sentences of your original draft seemed too self-pitying. It is essential to begin your essay with something that captures the reader’s interest. I have provided a new introduction that illustrates the unique role that the Internet played in your family dynamic.
In addition, it is useful to separate the introduction proper from the rest of the first paragraph. I have provided a strong transition that illustrates the relevance of your volunteer IT experience.
Finally, the new second paragraph that I have adapted from your original text incorporates extensive sentence-level adjustments to improve your diction.
“When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole computerized firm amused me…”
It is best to omit this detail since it suggests that you failed to appreciate the difficulty of your father’s work. See the alternative treatment of this idea I have proposed in the revised essay.
Paragraph 2
I provided a stronger transition to this sentence, which encapsulates your main motivation for pursuing a career in IT. Your original paragraph was a bit too general, so I anchored your assertions in concrete fact to make them more compelling.
“Although monetary reward is practically important in reality…”
This is redundant. I suggest the following: “While monetary rewards are of practical importance…”
“I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person.”
This is too effusive. I have provided a shorter version of this idea below.
Paragraph 3
I have improved the diction of this paragraph to make it more compelling.
“I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive.”
This construction is slightly awkward. You can rephrase this idea as follows: “I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology.”
Paragraph 4
I have adjusted the tone of this paragraph to use a more confident voice. For instance, I replaced the phrase, “the program can deepen expertise,” with, “such a program will deepen my expertise.” This adjustment is subtle, but it makes a big difference.
Essay 2
Paragraph 1
Your original introduction failed to introduce your subject to the reader in an adequate fashion or to engage his attention. Rather than summarizing your arguments in an essay this short, it is better to provide a “hook” that draws your reader into the piece. See my suggestion in the text.
Paragraph 2
This paragraph was too wordy, and many of your arguments were redundant. I have streamlined your discussion to make it more direct, and I have separated this paragraph into two parts to make it more readable.
In addition, it was necessary to reduce the graphic description of your physical ailment. It is better to focus on how you overcame adversity rather than to dwell on how you suffered as a child.
“…full of ulcers, sores, bandages and scars. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. Moreover, my hairs had never been longer that two inches…”
These are distracting details that fail to illustrate how you overcame adversity. I suggest reducing these descriptions to a minimum.
“During every examination and competition, I told myself that I was able to do the best because nothing was tougher than the time when I was in the primary school.”
This is a very powerful argument that does a great job of illustrating your resolve. I have highlighted and expanded upon this idea in the revised essay.
Paragraph 3
This paragraph is also best divided into two separate parts. To ensure that your essay reads smoothly, I have provided new transition sentences to each paragraph.
“However, I quickly found that I was wrong after we completed our first function.”
This is a good place to vary sentence length for dramatic effect. I propose the following: “I quickly learned my mistake.”
“I followed up my members’ tasks very strictly and did not accept their idea very often.”
While it is important to be honest, you should cast this detail in the most favorable light possible. I propose the following: “I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own.”
With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best.
Overall, these essays now do a very good job of putting a human face on your application. I wish you the best of luck in the application process.
Sincerely,
Your EssayEdge Editor
See this essay before the edit.
